by Dr. Mandill E. Kim
As many of my regular readers know, I have two wonderful children. My son, Ben-Gurion E. Kim, recently took over my morning drive-time radio program in North Korea, where he is known as the wildly popular Insane DJ Foon Pot. My daughter, Una E. Kim, just graduated college with an advanced degree in Quantum Astrology. As an occasional treat for all of you, Una has generously agreed to provide a sample of her horoscopic predictions. To better know your future, read on!
Aries: You finally abandon your dream of designing a car that's powered solely by water. You turn your attention to building a daycare center that runs on vodka.
Leo: Good news! Your search for true love finally pays off this year. Just as soon as your lips grow back.
Scorpio: Your artistic side is in full bloom today. At work, you perform a one-act play entitled "I Might Have Sprinkled Anthrax on the Donuts". You will be eligible for parole in 18 months.
Libra: Financial independence has never been closer, as your franchise application is approved by the Hardly Any Hookworms restaurant chain.
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