Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Sex and Nutrition
By Dr. Mandill E. Kim
Whenever my patients ask how to improve their sex lives, I first talk to them about nutrition and fitness. This is because a healthy mind and a healthy body will result in a healthy sex life. This is true of everyone, regardless of age, culture, or pelt. Here are some examples.
*** When men consume a diet rich in potassium and magnesium, their body chemistry sends out a message to prospective mates. That message says, "I am confident and available." Oddly, when women consume that same diet, the message they send out says, "I live in a cabin made entirely of human feet."
*** Including cuts of lean meat in your diet helps to build muscle mass which, in turn, leads to a more satisfying sex life. Note: For the purposes of this discussion, the term "lean meat" refers only to a protein source, and not to the the cute guy next door who makes trombone sounds whenever you walk past his house.
*** It's been said that good sex requires a good imagination. Therefore, you would be wise to make fatty fish, also known as brain food, a regular part of your diet. Note: For the purposes of this discussion, the term "fatty fish" refers to salmon, mackerel, sardines, etc. and not to an online dating site.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Horoscope Health
by Dr. Mandill E. Kim
As many of my regular readers know, I have two wonderful children. My son, Ben-Gurion E. Kim, recently took over my morning drive-time radio program in North Korea, where he is known as the wildly popular Insane DJ Foon Pot. My daughter, Una E. Kim, just graduated college with an advanced degree in Quantum Astrology. As an occasional treat for all of you, Una has generously agreed to provide a sample of her horoscopic predictions. To better know your future, read on!
Aries: You finally abandon your dream of designing a car that's powered solely by water. You turn your attention to building a daycare center that runs on vodka.
Leo: Good news! Your search for true love finally pays off this year. Just as soon as your lips grow back.
Scorpio: Your artistic side is in full bloom today. At work, you perform a one-act play entitled "I Might Have Sprinkled Anthrax on the Donuts". You will be eligible for parole in 18 months.
Libra: Financial independence has never been closer, as your franchise application is approved by the Hardly Any Hookworms restaurant chain.
As many of my regular readers know, I have two wonderful children. My son, Ben-Gurion E. Kim, recently took over my morning drive-time radio program in North Korea, where he is known as the wildly popular Insane DJ Foon Pot. My daughter, Una E. Kim, just graduated college with an advanced degree in Quantum Astrology. As an occasional treat for all of you, Una has generously agreed to provide a sample of her horoscopic predictions. To better know your future, read on!
Aries: You finally abandon your dream of designing a car that's powered solely by water. You turn your attention to building a daycare center that runs on vodka.
Leo: Good news! Your search for true love finally pays off this year. Just as soon as your lips grow back.
Scorpio: Your artistic side is in full bloom today. At work, you perform a one-act play entitled "I Might Have Sprinkled Anthrax on the Donuts". You will be eligible for parole in 18 months.
Libra: Financial independence has never been closer, as your franchise application is approved by the Hardly Any Hookworms restaurant chain.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
HGH: Benefits and Risks
by Dr. Mandill E. Kim
Human Growth Hormone (HGH) is touted by many as mankind's best bet for long life and optimum health. Once strictly regulated, HGH is now added to a variety of products from school lunches to house paint. As is always true, however, the benefits of a substance such as HGH also come with certain risks. Let's take a look at some of the claims for this product, as well as their possible side-effects.
*** Benefit- Melts Fat: Proponents claim that HGH leads to safe and rapid weight loss.
Risk- Pools of melted body fat re-form as small children who follow you home demanding more fat and Kool-Aid.
*** Benefit- Thicker, Softer Hair: Users believe HGH improves both quality and quantity of hair.
Risk- Occasional scalp eruption of spider babies. This has been reported as the number one job interview turn-off by many employers.
*** Benefit- Improved Memory: HGH proponents claim to have sharper memories and more acute thinking.
Risk- Reported side-effects include bi-lingual diarrhea, pubic weevils, and nervous aroma.
*** Benefit- Increased Muscle Mass: Body builders and weightlifters have been longtime users of HGH.
Risk- Suddenly stopping HGH use can lead to ringing in the ears and colon, along with a condition know as "hobo abs".
Human Growth Hormone (HGH) is touted by many as mankind's best bet for long life and optimum health. Once strictly regulated, HGH is now added to a variety of products from school lunches to house paint. As is always true, however, the benefits of a substance such as HGH also come with certain risks. Let's take a look at some of the claims for this product, as well as their possible side-effects.
*** Benefit- Melts Fat: Proponents claim that HGH leads to safe and rapid weight loss.
Risk- Pools of melted body fat re-form as small children who follow you home demanding more fat and Kool-Aid.
*** Benefit- Thicker, Softer Hair: Users believe HGH improves both quality and quantity of hair.
Risk- Occasional scalp eruption of spider babies. This has been reported as the number one job interview turn-off by many employers.
*** Benefit- Improved Memory: HGH proponents claim to have sharper memories and more acute thinking.
Risk- Reported side-effects include bi-lingual diarrhea, pubic weevils, and nervous aroma.
*** Benefit- Increased Muscle Mass: Body builders and weightlifters have been longtime users of HGH.
Risk- Suddenly stopping HGH use can lead to ringing in the ears and colon, along with a condition know as "hobo abs".
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Good Fat, Bad Fat
by Dr. Mandill E. Kim
No food group in our diets has had more confusion surrounding it lately than the group known as fats. Some fats are the key to good health, while other fats are called the key to illness and disease. Just what do nutritionists mean when they refer to fats? Do they mean the stuff on your plate, or the stuff on your husband? And should you eat either one? I, Dr. Mandill E. Kim, will clarify this complex issue once and for all.
*** At one time, all fats were thought to be bad for our health. It was believed that they were the primary cause of heart disease. Then scientists studied the native tribes of Alaska who ate way more fat than anyone else, yet had no trace of heart disease. As a result, people were advised to eat at least one Eskimo with every meal. Fortunately, we now know that heart disease is primarily caused by small talk with people we barely know.
*** Fats are vitally important in helping the human body to absorb the vitamins and minerals required to tolerate Classic Rock.
*** Because fats provide most of the flavor to the foods we eat, they have been highly regarded throughout history. During ancient Sumerian marriage festivals, an assortment of delicious fats was offered to the wedding photographer. This method of payment is still acceptable today.
No food group in our diets has had more confusion surrounding it lately than the group known as fats. Some fats are the key to good health, while other fats are called the key to illness and disease. Just what do nutritionists mean when they refer to fats? Do they mean the stuff on your plate, or the stuff on your husband? And should you eat either one? I, Dr. Mandill E. Kim, will clarify this complex issue once and for all.
*** At one time, all fats were thought to be bad for our health. It was believed that they were the primary cause of heart disease. Then scientists studied the native tribes of Alaska who ate way more fat than anyone else, yet had no trace of heart disease. As a result, people were advised to eat at least one Eskimo with every meal. Fortunately, we now know that heart disease is primarily caused by small talk with people we barely know.
*** Fats are vitally important in helping the human body to absorb the vitamins and minerals required to tolerate Classic Rock.
*** Because fats provide most of the flavor to the foods we eat, they have been highly regarded throughout history. During ancient Sumerian marriage festivals, an assortment of delicious fats was offered to the wedding photographer. This method of payment is still acceptable today.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Maternity Memo
by Dr. Mandill E. Kim
The most cherished moment in every woman's life is the first time she sees her parents taking a shower. This is followed closely by the day she finally gets her beekeeping license. However, the 11th most cherished moment in every woman's life is the day she learns she's having a baby. As a doctor, I urge you to review the information below if you are considering having or leasing a baby.
*** In this country, we have over-complicated the simple process of childbearing. In most other cultures, having a baby is as simple as getting the morning newspaper. Once a day a youngster on a bicycle peddles along the street, tossing newborns onto the porches of his subscribers. Sometimes, of course, the baby lands in the shrubbery or gets stuck up on the roof. When this happens, the parents-to-be are given a free month of HBO.
*** Breastfeeding an infant only made sense thousands of years ago, when the men of the tribe were skilled at hunting and trapping wild breasts. Today's babies much prefer tuna on toast.
*** In Dr. Mandill E. Kim's new birthing pamphlet, you'll learn how a simple car battery and a set of jumper cables puts your baby's due date back in your hands, where it belongs.
*** As the time to have your baby draws near, you will need to decide which type of delivery you prefer: Gothic or Slapstick. Your decision will determine which type of shovel your doctor uses in the operating room.
The most cherished moment in every woman's life is the first time she sees her parents taking a shower. This is followed closely by the day she finally gets her beekeeping license. However, the 11th most cherished moment in every woman's life is the day she learns she's having a baby. As a doctor, I urge you to review the information below if you are considering having or leasing a baby.
*** In this country, we have over-complicated the simple process of childbearing. In most other cultures, having a baby is as simple as getting the morning newspaper. Once a day a youngster on a bicycle peddles along the street, tossing newborns onto the porches of his subscribers. Sometimes, of course, the baby lands in the shrubbery or gets stuck up on the roof. When this happens, the parents-to-be are given a free month of HBO.
*** Breastfeeding an infant only made sense thousands of years ago, when the men of the tribe were skilled at hunting and trapping wild breasts. Today's babies much prefer tuna on toast.
*** In Dr. Mandill E. Kim's new birthing pamphlet, you'll learn how a simple car battery and a set of jumper cables puts your baby's due date back in your hands, where it belongs.
*** As the time to have your baby draws near, you will need to decide which type of delivery you prefer: Gothic or Slapstick. Your decision will determine which type of shovel your doctor uses in the operating room.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Health Care Decisions
by Dr. Mandill E. Kim
Making the right choices in all aspects of your family's health care has never been more important. Take a moment to review these suggestions as you weigh your health care options.
1. Many people feel a great deal of anxiety at the thought of seeing their physician. This is completely unwarranted. Doctors are simply highly-trained men and women awaiting trial in federal court.
2. Your child's first visit to the doctor's office need not be stressful for you or your child. Doctors have a number of tricks they use to put you both at ease. An overnight bus trip, or a visit to Jazz Dance Camp will forge a lasting doctor/child bond. This trust might become important as the years pass. For example, if your child is exposed to mumps and has to be "put down", you'll know that the job will be done with care and patience.
3. Modern dentistry offers a wide variety of services that many people overlook. Today's dentist, in addition to cleaning your teeth, is also fully qualified to perform your colonoscopy. Fortunately, for those of us on a busy schedule, he can do both of these at the same time.
4. We all have a responsibility to pay attention to our own health-related warning signals:
*** The first sign of a stroke is a sudden increase in "festive urine".
*** It is a fact that most dogs can sense disease in humans. If your dog suddenly starts barking or licking your hand, you almost certainly have cancer. At this point, your dog will perform a simple biopsy if it's covered by your insurance plan.
*** Money worries and itchy scalp are reliable indicators of mental illness. If you notice either of these symptoms, contact your doctor at once. He will see to it that you are safely confined to a refrigerator.
Making the right choices in all aspects of your family's health care has never been more important. Take a moment to review these suggestions as you weigh your health care options.
1. Many people feel a great deal of anxiety at the thought of seeing their physician. This is completely unwarranted. Doctors are simply highly-trained men and women awaiting trial in federal court.
2. Your child's first visit to the doctor's office need not be stressful for you or your child. Doctors have a number of tricks they use to put you both at ease. An overnight bus trip, or a visit to Jazz Dance Camp will forge a lasting doctor/child bond. This trust might become important as the years pass. For example, if your child is exposed to mumps and has to be "put down", you'll know that the job will be done with care and patience.
3. Modern dentistry offers a wide variety of services that many people overlook. Today's dentist, in addition to cleaning your teeth, is also fully qualified to perform your colonoscopy. Fortunately, for those of us on a busy schedule, he can do both of these at the same time.
4. We all have a responsibility to pay attention to our own health-related warning signals:
*** The first sign of a stroke is a sudden increase in "festive urine".
*** It is a fact that most dogs can sense disease in humans. If your dog suddenly starts barking or licking your hand, you almost certainly have cancer. At this point, your dog will perform a simple biopsy if it's covered by your insurance plan.
*** Money worries and itchy scalp are reliable indicators of mental illness. If you notice either of these symptoms, contact your doctor at once. He will see to it that you are safely confined to a refrigerator.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Folk Medicine Remedies
By Dr. Mandill E. Kim
Modern medicine still doesn't have all the answers. For thousands of years, people have been treating illness and disease with traditional remedies. Here are a few.
*** Many people are aware of the slightly unsavory folk remedy of urinating on a jellyfish sting to relieve the pain and inflammation. Note: This same treatment works equally well on people suffering from depression.
*** Applying a simple mixture of lemon juice and household bleach to a poison ivy rash produces hours of fast-paced fun.
*** For generations, the people of eastern Kentucky have retained their youthful appearance late into life. One of their secrets: A local stew made from pine nuts, ginger root, and salesmen.
*** Rubbing a stroke patient with aged garlic is a pleasant diversion for everybody involved.
*** Hanging up strips of copper scented with milkweed will repel most household pests. Don't have any copper? A toddler works just as well.
Modern medicine still doesn't have all the answers. For thousands of years, people have been treating illness and disease with traditional remedies. Here are a few.
*** Many people are aware of the slightly unsavory folk remedy of urinating on a jellyfish sting to relieve the pain and inflammation. Note: This same treatment works equally well on people suffering from depression.
*** Applying a simple mixture of lemon juice and household bleach to a poison ivy rash produces hours of fast-paced fun.
*** For generations, the people of eastern Kentucky have retained their youthful appearance late into life. One of their secrets: A local stew made from pine nuts, ginger root, and salesmen.
*** Rubbing a stroke patient with aged garlic is a pleasant diversion for everybody involved.
*** Hanging up strips of copper scented with milkweed will repel most household pests. Don't have any copper? A toddler works just as well.
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